Rules For Dating My Daughter (Updated For 2016)

ShirtThis photo is been shared with me a couple of times on Facebook now…

And since my daughter is beautiful I often hear things like this from people in my real life, as well.

The problem is that I disagree with every single item on this list.

In my experience, I’ve found that the more of a protective, angry shit-head I am, the more likely it is that my kids will hide things from me and go out and DO all the things I don’t much want them doing.

So lets re-write this list, shall we?


1. I don’t care if you have a job, as long as you are motivated, hard-working and passionate about something besides getting laid and watching Netflix.

2. Understand that I like everyone, until they give me a reason not to… But don’t mistake my kindness for weakness.

3. I’m generally working on my laptop, or riding my bike, or floating in my pool. I don’t watch my daughter like a hawk, because I trust her… We tell each other everything so I will know how you’re treating her and what you’re doing, because she will tell me.

4. Look… Chances are, you’re going to hurt her at some point. Or she’s going to hurt you. That happens in almost every relationship because we all have feelings and get hungry and grumpy once in a while. All I ask is that you both communicate honestly with each other, and learn from your mistakes. If it’s meant to be, you’ll figure it out.

5. Just do what you say you’re going to do. Don’t be a flake. Show up on time.

6. If you’re dating my daughter I’m going to start by considering you a friend until you give me a reason not to. As a friend, I’ll tell you what I would tell any of my friends: Avoid lawyers at all costs, because lawyers are ALL COST.

7. I’m not the all-powerful and all-knowing Oz… So you may be able to lie and get away with it… At least for a little while. I’ve taught my daughter to sniff out bad apples like farts in a closed car, and people who lie always have bigger issues and always give themselves away at some point. I’m not worried about it.

8. My daughter may be “my princess” but she can also be a strong-willed, opinionated, king-high bitch on wheels. Yes, I’m a big dude with a couple of tattoos, but if you look at my daughter and I next to each other and I’m the one you’re worried about, I suggest you refocus your energies.

9. I can’t envision a situation between you and I that would require me to go to jail. I spent a couple nights in jail as a teenage graffiti punk, and I won’t ever go back… I’m much more of a “hire someone on Fiverr to post your dick pictures all over the web” sort of guy anyway.

10. Well, I certainly won’t be doing whatever you do to her to you in revenge. What if you grab her boob? Or make out with her? I honestly have no desire to grab your boob, or make out with you. We worked our balls off to raise a kid who knows right from wrong and we don’t believe we can ground her to stop her from growing up.

She’s going to do things like try drugs and have sex and she’s going to have a couple shitty relationships at some point. We all do. We grab the boob, we learn, and we move on.

What’s that? You want to stick around for awhile? If you actually care about my daughter, follow the instructions on this list and you’ll be just fine.