Letter to Fifth Third Bank

Fifth Third Bank
Fifth Third Center
38 Fountain Square Plaza
Cincinnati, OH 45263

RE: You jack-holes and your continued overdraft fees
TO: Customer Support
CC: The Board of Directors (Darryl F. Allen, B. Evan Bayh, Ulysses L. Bridgeman, Jr., Emerson L. Brumback, James P. Hackett, Gary R. Heminger, Jewell D. Hoover, William Isaac, Kevin T. Kabat, Mitchel D. Livingston, Ph.D., Michael B. McCallister, Hendrik G. Meijer, John J. Schiff, Jr., Marsha C. Williams)

To whom it may concern:

About three months ago I brought all my balances to zero, and closed all my Fifth Third bank accounts.

One account, in particular, was a business checking account that had been with your bank for almost 5 years… and as such had several automatic payments and withdrawals associated with it.

I assumed that once the account was closed, your bank would simply deny the transactions, and notify the vendor, and they would contact me so I could update my new banking information with each vendor.

I was mistaken.

Apparently your business practice is to REOPEN the account, and charge overdraft fees each time a transaction comes through. And as a result, I now have several hundred dollars in fees associated with an account that I balanced out and closed months ago.

I want my accounts closed, and these fees removed.

My personal banker told me he would have to ask the local manager.

And the local manager, after several weeks, finally called me to let me know that her hands were tied, and she would have to talk to the regional manager.

Shockingly, the regional manager couldn’t do anything about it either.

Now, after several weeks of waiting and wondering, I have just been informed that my only option is to send a letter directly to your corporate offices (which you are now reading) as a final attempt to convince you to finally remove my fees and close my account forever.

So? What do you say?

I would hate to feel compelled to register the Domain name www.the-worst-bank-on-the-planet.com (available as I write this) and post this letter in full.

Likewise, I certainly don’t want to spend the time (and my considerable SEO experience) making damn sure that website ranks for every conceivable banking keyword under the sun.

Furthermore, between my various websites, email subscriber lists, and social media accounts, I keep regular contact with well over 80,000 people…

And I would hate to let each and every one of them know about your unethical business practices and your desire to continue sticking me in the ass.

Please do the right thing here. Remove my fees, and close my accounts.

With frustrated and foulest regards, I remain,