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Parents: Quit being overbearing assholes

If I hear the words “It’s a different world these days” one more time, I’m gonna puke. Specifically, from parents when they explain to me why their kids aren’t allowed to do something. It happens all the time, and I think it’s bullshit. I know parents who won’t let their kids out of their sight. They¬†won’t let their kids go …

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Exposed Balls

I suppose it’s time to share the story of how I sat at the busiest Starbucks in Fort Myers, Florida for more than an hour with my balls completely exposed. It’s embarrassing and horrifying, but my kids (and my deviant friends like Brian McLeod) think the story is hysterical and have been begging me to share it. So here goes. …

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Aaron Neville Is Terrifying

For years, my daughter thought the tooth fairy was a 6-foot tall black man. I had no idea, but it was totally my fault. You see, way back in 2005 we were all sitting on the couch, watching a fund-raising special for Hurricane Katrina victims. And Aaron Neville comes on and starts singing. In case you don’t know who Aaron …

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Sign Spinning Sucks

You’ve heard of sign spinning, right? Maybe you’ve heard it called sign walking, or sign twirling, or sign waving… This is when a local business hires someone to stand on a corner, hold a sign, and spaz out in an attempt to get people to stop in. Small Business Owners: If you’re doing this, I have no fucking idea what …